The Ultimate Vampire Resource and Directory

9/14
11:18 Sep 14 2009
Times Read: 557




Had a dream about a priest that Marilyn knew and he was an alcoholic and I was in shock how bad off he was. He forgot that he drank a bottle of wine and lost the cup that was from the church in alter. Surprised that she allows him to bless people and is surprised .

I felt like Marilyn is going through enough. So I helped her out with her hair and dyed it and got one of my friends who makes fangs to make her a tooth which he made two and I was in shock for it took 6 hours and I am not a people person for that long of a time with out wanting to kick someone ass for messing up my day. However, I wanted to help out Marilyn considering Maria promoted more drama in her life which of course was done or influenced by Vicky no doubt. So she is worried and scared and nervous on being on TV with a Steve Wilcox and having to have dirty laundry thrown out there again with such a betrayal . I said you are going to be with Lizzy and uncle Carlos which is her father’s twin so you can make it damn good case of making them look bad. Hell Uncle Carlos was livid and came to Jacksonville in two hours from Miami that is how pissed. He went to the house Vicky and the mother live and kicked their sorry asses out of the house that they were supposed to leave months ago.

Jason knew what was happening no doubt by probing me and he actually told the brothers to calm and had complete faith Marilyn would make it. I said to myself okay he is getting better enough to let them get it through their heads they knew something was coming for a few months ago I said she would and Marilyn was like no she would not do anything. I was like okay believe what you want but she has a snake spirit and so does her mother and sister. Yesterday I saw magick being casted so I did a reflection spell and I was like fine bounce it back . I did and found out it was from Italy from the other side in the family that is trying to drive Marilyn nuts and well failed badly yet again. Nana even said arm yourself and so I was like you better believe it. Cleansed me and then the house from the junk and moved on.

Jason still has three tubes his body one for lung infection, another in his head for taking drainage of the blood and ick from the second part of the cancer removal and they are monitoring his heart and brain waves to make sure his body can hack off all this. I worry about him and I know he will be okay but he has gone through so much so I don’t want anymore drama in his world. Nana took the tv out of the room per her request so Jason would not harm himself do to anger. He can not be angered or stressed in any way. And his body has to heal. So I am here and he is there. The joys of a long distance relationship at this point.

I am healing slower for I am focused on healing Jason more than myself so I know I should focus on me but I am eating better than I ever had before and I am though I should mad crazy panicked and stuff I am calm for I know all will be well. I just cannot get over the fact how much drama has gone in the past few months and not harmed someone or lost my job for my body is tired of the crap and all I would really like to do is read and sleep all day. But that is not going to happen. No rest for the wicked you know.

On top of all that I have dezzy for two days . Blinks yes I am watching her for two days for Marilyn is going to NY to settle this crap once and for all.

Not used to roommates and well I am not used to having to deal with so much but hey I guarantee that she is not going to do well anyways so I am going to try and not growl or snarl lol. For after work I have a ritual and or a habit of getting the anger out and looking for something positive in my day. Meditate and such and I have to work around that and such with her. :S eeepppppp

She is a good child I am just not used to someone staying with me anymore. That is all. Her Weta ( grandmother) said thank you for caring so much for our granddaughter and thank you for helping Marilyn. Marilyn was nervous not now. She has a tooth and she has hair that looks good and she feels more confident like I knew she would if she only knew it takes a little care for herself to make herself recharged and she never did that. And she looks great. So I know she will do well.

Off to work I go

Woohooooooooo

Raja

9/12
13:14 Sep 12 2009
Times Read: 560

Starting to learn Italian. OH MY Godddddddddddddddd. It is frustrating they have 21 letters and it almost sounds Spanish on a certain level and then others I am not sure…

So I am getting my next tattoo today cannot wait for I frankly have been wanting one to have a tat and the left side matching the right hip and I have my tat ready. It is a lion with a Jewish star and an Enochian prayer for angels. I loved it so of course I was like yessssssssssss that will represent Omi and Opa my grandparents. They were my rock through a lot and I learned a lot from them that I would not have if have made myself today who I am without them. So I wanted it jus right and thought yep that is what I am going to do. Jason freaks out for I have 11 but they are well placed and I found a safe place and it is near by I may get a few more before I leave this hellish place.  Even the mother was like why? I was like for my grandparents  She was like ehhhh but it is not safe and yacky smacky. I was like oh okay I see no one in your family has tattoos. I get it. I see it as art and stained glass windows of my journey through life and my temple. She was trying to talk me out of it. I was like um no. She does not know I am getting it today and well it was weird I thought hmmmm could not be more then a hundred bucks for it is small and such. However will they do it I wonder.

I think the last one thought I was neat for I had unique tattoos and I actually knew where and what I wanted and did not move. He was surprised I did not squeek like my friends. Pain sadly enough when you are through it day in and day out you are just like okay I am numb. My body can move on and walk still and that is all that matters in my book.

Not many people think like that when you are pain. But I have been in pain for 24 years of my life and all they want to do is surgery and I know my body can correct itself for I have done it before and I am glad that I am alive and healthy . Yes I go to a lot of doctors but that does not mean your body does not need a monthly check up for with out them I would not be alive and well as I am. People ask me all the time how do you do it? I said do what? Get up after falling and such. I think it is a matter of will. My heart and mind don’t give in for I have been told all my life to give in. Which is a bunch of shit. If you given into the pain and do drugs or surgery the down falls are worse then the pain itself. It is mind over matter. I used to get beat up by my father and mother many a times even told by my mother I should have had an abortion with you. I said well you did not and I am here so hear me roar mind set. She would belittle me and say I would never make it in life and kicked me out at 15 years old. And I felt betrayed for about an hour then though hell I am free! Being kicked out is the best thing I could ever think of. You see if I give into the past and live there what of my present and future. Everyday is worth living and worth expressing and more so experiencing. Yes, it is not always great but the moments that take your breathe away are like memories you can dance to. It is in these moments many no longer see when hurt or in pain or belittled. Life is a gift it is not to be taken for granted and a lot of us there do. Not noticing the world around them walking in a daze of their own world.

My world you see the most amazing things everyday. Life I live and breathe through al the crap my parents put me through. Like Leo my dog fought and survived for his life and wanted to live. You see I think that is why I love my dog for no matter the issue of ups and downs and how ever grumpy I get , that dog loves me and adores me and kisses me and protects me and wow finds it amazing that in his world I am his and he is mine. The same with my cat Moshe he yes could have been a ferrel dumpster kitty but no he is a dog trapped in a cats body. Pretty weird? yep. Pretty neat ? yep

It is loving like you never got burnt every time so you can love again no matter what happens. I guess it boils down to this in my world. Do I want to be a victim or a victor? I prefer to seek out victory. In the sense that success is only a mind game and where you put your thoughts and words makes all the world think. Is this the day I enjoy my life and find those small things that do take my breathe away? Or is it going to be a icky day? The choice is yours.

I danced in the moonlight and basked in her presence and all the while this morning comes her partner the sun and they barely touch unless the eclipse hits. The amazing factor of all of it when it does hit it takes their breathe away. So today I ask this probably because I woke up seeing her and then waiting for him on this Saturday morning.

What takes your breath away? And why?

Raja

9/8
01:47 Sep 09 2009
Times Read: 562

Today has been very much a blessing of a day. I slept for six hours which was amazing. I then walked Leo and we were safe at the wee hours of the morning. Looked at the moon and thought of my Jason and thought good morning my man who got the first of the four tubes out. You are healing daily no matter what the family and doctors say. Jason was so thrilled to talk to me his heart went up a lot according to the doctor he freaked out for it was at levels his body should not have handled. He said next time you let his other half talk to him make sure he is sedated for his heart was pumping to outrageous levels and he could hurt himself. They won’t touch his heart for at least a month till his body is relaxed and calm and peaceful. Which is what their plan is. To just give his body a break. So e can heal.:) And Reiki and prayers from others sneak in and help my man more making him healed whole and complete.

My son to be is causing me problems already. He was like she is not chicken (to his huge 6’4 uncles three of them) she will beat your asses and ride a bike. I said uh I promised my uncle if it was not his bike then I wont ride a bike. They were thinking I would wear leather. Looks at body. Looks back at computer me in leather? Uh no. Apparently the uncles and family ride motorcycles all over the towns and such. I am not lol a bike rider don’t get me wrong it is neat and yes I would love to think one day I could wear a cat suit that is leather maybe but ride a bike or drive a car . I looked at her like uh nope. Not chicken don’t want it. She laughed and thought that her body guards would scare me and I thought uh no I would rather be guarded and they an drive me all over the freaking place. I was surprised that they are talking like I am going to be there any day. Still have not gotten my passport so I cannot do anything. I am going to fix a few bills and get on track basically. Another thing. Marilyn oogled over a coy piece that I made that is of stone. And she was like um we need to find more of these for Jason and Bernard liked the coy fish and she may have to give up my necklace and was like okay not sure what to think but then little Jason would want to get one for he too is learning Buddhist lore from Uncle Bernard and I. (pouts I don’t want to give up my necklace that they see as girly. Bt yet two men want the center piece and they thought that was neat. (bloody hell) But he if my man wants one I will buy it for him for he wants it and he is my baby and spoiled and deserves it lol. With all the hell he has been through he can have my necklace if he wants it . If this will make him happy I will do it. He has three tubes left and the heart doctor won’t touch him until at least of month of healing. He sees him healing the others don’t. I see him as healing and so do a whole bunch of people who are praying for him so I know the power of positive prayer shall work. He is something of a miracle with all the stuff he has gone through his body is blessed and blessed in healing a baby step at a time. So I seem him as a living miracle . His family sees it differently. I was like so besides nurses calling him pookie bear he has stuff from me all over the place Yeah I am sending him stuff like little man. This time it was just for little man.

Work

Got through it they got me hooked on Farmville and farmtown at facebook on breaks I now look up my crops and feed the animals or pet them. It is quite silly but I did actually get hooked  My bad I know. I got up to 9th level and I was proud of that. Others were like uh yeah you need to stop getting up there. I was like you can eat my dust. Muhahahaha . SO that was my day and a half. Weird yes fun yes

But that is my life off it’s rocker and rolling.

Raja

9/7
03:50 Sep 08 2009
Times Read: 565

Jason

Jason heard my voice and he was holding onto the things I sent him and crying. My voice made him realize I was real and that it was not a dream and he was seriously happy. His nurses even heard the phone call and saw he was happy. Very happy which none of them had seen before on him. I smiled and said okay Pookie bear you have to take it easy and one step at a time and that you are going to get through this and know it. I love you and I miss you dearly and I want you home in okay shape lol.

Today

Marilyn brought me to him again since she missed her plane. So I could talk to him and she saw it in his eyes he got more uplifted and said if he does die he would die happy knowing that he is loved by me.

So today I said more encouraging words and said I know you are pain and I know you are going through a lot but you can overcome this all. You are stubborn as I. You can focus on healing yourself with God in mind. He blinked in agreement. I said it is not right to push me away from you at the astral realm when I am trying to help heal you and I miss talking to you. You need to open up. Again he understood I was right. I said you can do great things and will. When I get my but over there you will see what I think of love handles it is just to love more of you and so what you are bald. If I had my choice I would be there to zerbert your tummy and that is when I said I love you and I miss you and know you can do it.

Marilyn said he is glowing again. That is a good thing. I said well I can take calls and just talk to him for it seems to be helping. She said I know but my sons wont see that as a needed season.

The doctors even saw that he was more uplifted and nurses now call him pookie bear and he smiles happily when they call him that. I was amazed. He is glowing like a glow bug. And the nurses know it and see it. So they see something new in him and they see that he is breathing the best he can from the trachia thing was taking out and lungs are filled with fluid which caused infection. He has to go through another surgery and it is to get the rest of the cancer. The last one did not go well. He also had a few seizures but since he spoke to me not one seizure. He also knows that he is loved and before he did not believe them. He is hooked to a heart monitor and also brain waves. The doctor asked what had happened while he was away. He saw in his brain waves that he was calm and well relaxed. The brother told him he spoke to Tara. He said she needs to be calling more often. For that is an awesome sign. He has a will to live according to what they saw.

I was just happy he was breathing on his own four tubes to go. I am hoping he is going to be strong enough and not give up like his family seems to have. They believe he is just going to die and well I don’t see it as an option. Little Jason and I need him. I made that clear today and I smiled for I had no clue that everyone was there. All his brothers were there. My voice got all of them to stand at attention. Marilyn laughed. I was surprised and said nothing more. I guess that is why the male patients listen to me an love talking to me. They all were semi hard and I was talking to my man? Is that a tad strange or what?

But Jason looked at them like she loves me not any of you! Snickers at least his ego is getting better .

Doctor’s on Friday gave me loratabs and they don’t do shit. For back pain but heck they make me sleepy which is cool. I need sleep I guess. I have four hours and it is over so I am just not sure what to do with my time. I now sleep five hours at a time. Which is cool I think. Since sleep is not very good for me never had never will.

The time off that I have had I got into a lifeline 10 day financial breakthrough. It is actually well done and well rounded. For abundance is of the health, wealth of knowledge, wisdom of god, prosperity and god’s grace. These Copeland people have it right. Not many Christian groups have this well I was surprised to say the 5 days I have been doing it my faith has grown some.

Other then that a very calm Raja



Brightest blessings

Raja

9/5/09
10:25 Sep 06 2009
Times Read: 569

This has been a day and night I am not sure I am liking at all. I have been waiting on Marilyn to call me and she seems to think that a miracle can happen and I am hoping one does for when they take the machines off tonight it will be his life on the line. Jason is not doing well at all.

All day and all night today I have cried like a baby. For I don’t see the wisdom in all this. Somehow in his will if he should die he has me in it which is freaking me out. Bernard is handling as I am and I am not liking I at all. He is handling it like I am. He is the youngest out of the brothers. The aunt with balls of steele came with her mother . The one that has made a living hell for Marilyn a few times. Bernard saw her and bam punch her teeth out with no questions asked. He told her he would kill her if she did come near his family again . And she had the balls to ask if his brother was dead. Candice the daughter who was born on the same day as Jason came up behind her and twisted her wrist and hurt her too. Marilyn came up in between them and got a back and blue eye. The fact that nothing in this family runs smoothely is not the issue here today . The fact that he has a living will and his family and I are in it at the same time is well an unnerving event all together. Marilyn thought that I would be more scared to not be apart of the family and be left behind. I said I am not worried about that I am worried I don’t get the chance to be a mother more so. I was excited to have a child and a husband and now it is more like my dreams are not only shattered once again it has left a very bitter taste in my mouth. So the whole family started to drink which never happens and even Marilyn sounds a tad not normal. She said when they take the equipment off she would be calling me to talk to him that I may not get any response and we shall see what happens. I am just waiting for the phone call so I can speak to him and just leave it as such.

The reason why they felt I was not to go over there is because they thought I would cause more trouble then good so they leave me here to rot and pray and cry all day instead great plan… And I did not cause any problems and I see this is the worst day ever if you can imagine that .. I have been doing laundry and yes pray like a mad woman burning candles and curling up in a ball with the lion he gave me.

Marilyn told me he is wearing his beads you made him and he is looking good for one that may pass away. I know that sounds odd but he looks okay. Like everything is going to be okay.

My heart would like to believe that but I saw him today looking into the light and saying goodbye to me. He said I love you and know that if my body were strong I would be with you. He said take care of little Jason and don’t worry you will marry another one you will see. He actually said I hope it is Bernard for he needs a freak in his life. I looked at him like you aren’t supposed to leave. We are supposed to get married and have a child together. Can’t you fight it? He said I don’t want to anymore. I am tired of fighting and I am tired of hurting. I said well then be well up there and find peace. He looked at me and hugged me and said it will be alright I promise. This is the dream I had today.

So how am I feeling? Numb really numb. Do I care if I live or die? No not at all. All I know is if he dies apart of me will die and with that being said. I am not and well not go through this again.





flops to floor

Raja

9/4
23:24 Sep 04 2009
Times Read: 574

Doctor's tests turn out to be that my nerve damage in my back is not as bad as we thought.

My legs felt the pain and he saw it. He felt the heat radiating from my back and when he pressed the areas he pressed where not as bad.

I got a new med a tad stronger but not really any use for my back and neck areas so far I fell tired or more so numb. If that is all they can do is the surgery going to work? I am not sure. I just here alot of people say back surgery if done gets worse with time and I feel if I can loose more weight then I can do it that way? May my back will feel less pain. But for now nada. He wants to do that horrible shot again and thinks it may help more. I get another one on the 17th..



Jason is not doing well the surgery was not successful and Marilyn is going to turn the machines off; for the machines are the only thing keeping him alive; his brain is not functioning like it should. I begged her to give him a chance to heal. Like she did with the little one. She is not going to give Jason a chance so I prayed part of the day way for him. She left today for Italy to turn off the machines for that is not what he would want. As she put it. So it is up to God and Goddess to fix it before she gets there.

To make matters worse I could have sworn he said good bye to me and said marry someone in his family. He was talking of Bernard. One I think that is crazy talk and two he needs to heal I astrally said no. He was wanting me to have his name before he died so I could be the legal guardian over little Jason however, Marilyn is going to be the legal guardian and somehow I am going to be in his world and be his mother. She wants to bring him here but he is already in school over there and it is an excellent school for him to grow and is a private school. Which is awesome. So he may stay there under care of Bernard if Jason dies till they figure out what to do with me. For they feel I would do more harm to the family right now then good. They see I am different and that I am not like them and see that I am wanting the people who hurt Jason to die slowly like him. They never put the man in jail for hitting the car with five people down.. I was justice for Jason for he shoud not have to die for nothing. Yes it was a blessing to see the tumor but look t what it has done made his body way too weak to even fight it and he wont live if she pulls the plugs off of him. He may survive it for he has been on it for four days. I have been reiking him from afar but I would need to touch him to really heal him that fast. And she refused to get me a ticket to see him. The money she owed she used towards driving me around so that did nothing for me but slow me down.

She says she does not her first born son to die but she has 7 others to think about and such. She also will have to not only see her first born die if it is God's will she will also change.

She also will see a change in me and I am not sure she will want me to move with her to Italy for my first object would be one secure the land and two protect little Jason. Which would mean Ie getting him back to the states away from the craziness.

I am not going to live in a house Jason made for us and be with Jason and the animals and not figure out away to make sure he is safe and sound and out of the back and forth crap from both sides of the family.

I am not one for drama and since I fell for him that is all I have been in. It sucks and I am over it. He deserves peace and happiness as I do. If Jason does die I will make it happen for the little man to have a normal life.

How I am feeling

confused and very alone at this point for if he really loved me why would he give up on healing his body and staying. Rather then having his mother pull the plug?

Did he love me at all? Does he love his son enough to break out of it? I dont know. I feel like he has giving up and I feel like if he dies that is it. No more men in my life. For it is not worth it to see another one die . He is 32 years old and he has been through alot. But my God I have seen more men die because I loved them then anything else. So I give up and say okay to being a mother and hell fuck no I am not marrying another family member just to have his name.

Marilyn even had the balls to say if he dies you are going to have to let him go and lead him to the light. She said you know this right? I was like yeah not looking at her for I am not giving up like her. or them. I hope hisbrain and heart work as one like they did. So when they take the stuff off him that he will be fine just sleeping. I would love that and then when he can wake up to do so. Maybe just a hopeful dream but none the less that is what I am wanting..



Raja

9/1
02:39 Sep 02 2009
Times Read: 575

okay drama alert lol



Jason's mother Marilyn has cancer in the brain and is getting hers removed next month and Jason is getting the rest of his tumor removed tonight so I am hoping he is okay and that they fix him fast......

um yeah it runs in the family not liking that at all.

Burning a healing candle tonight for Jason is going through alot and I was not told this till today. He hurt himself while the green eyed monster was out. He cannot get upset nor can she for that matter.





work

actually was good OMG

learned farmville is a thing with coworkers on face book so I opened the darn thing and had 22 gifts blinks. bad juju nt getting facebook aligned after 6 weeks never again lol



Other then that listening to SOS lol I need some police in my life today

wow



Wired for sound



Raja

8/31
00:11 Sep 01 2009
Times Read: 658

work

newbie sucks and not well will leave it at that

he hit on me on top of that seeing picture of Jason and ring on finger..

Man must go away



health

cannot wait to go to the bloody dr and show him two week old bruise he did on back and my god hell have no furry like me right now. I am in painnnnnnnnnnnnn . Drs suck and not well!

grrrrr



Jason

Has to go through tumor removal on other side and well we shall see what happens from there. I miss him I love him but damnnnnnn he is funny. He thinks he is going to up and leave the hosiptal after that? And go to home in italy get his stuff and get me then go back. UM problem with that theory?snickers the green eyed monster is still bruting. Which is cute but weird.

Little Jason is stay there in italy so he can be with dad if he dies kind of thing for the procedure is rare and he got through half of it but he has to get thru the other half.



Ibis

my friend had been married for 25 years her husband ups and leaves her and their child to go to another woman with two children.

huh? yeah you read right the man planned it out for 14 years and then up and leaves. Ibis was upset the first week second week she is seriously over him. :) I am glad she is for I was worried there for a moment.



Marilyn

woman is going through too much end of story and there are three elders down here probing and asking questions like

what do I want out of life? I said to be happy. No like your childhood dream to be a mother for my mother sucked and I knew I would be abetter one at 9 years old.

They kind of all did the uh okay do you want to go to school? I saidI have 7 degrees what do I need to go to school for now?

She looked at me and asked career what would you like to do. I said you have to be kidding right? A job is a job that is it in my book. She looked at me and the eyes turned goldish okay so how are we supposed to fit you into our family??? I said uh I dont know what does the business do? I can tell you what I can do from there. She looked and blinked and did the so your ideal goal is to be happy and be a mom that is it?

I said for now. Yes. I am 38 years old have pcos and it would be a freakin miracle to have a child.

Then they say hello on the phone. blinks

they never called before.



Other then that you ae caught up in the heckish and choas filled raja place.



huggles

Raja